Have you ever wondered what to say to someone who lost a loved one? I have. What can be said? Below are some helpful words to comfort a grieving friend.
I don’t know about you, but I can feel paralyzed when I try to think about what to say to someone who lost a loved one. I’m afraid I’ll say something that will offend them or make them feel worse. How do I find appropriate words to comfort a grieving friend?
When I don’t know what to say to someone who lost a loved one, my go-to plan is to offer them a copy of the book, Letters to Grief.
This book is a not long or cumbersome, but was rather designed to be easily gifted to those who are grieving. It includes a collection of letters to grief personified, and is therefore descriptive in nature, helping people find words for their own experience, rather than prescriptive, telling someone how they should grieve. An audio sample is included in a two-minute video below.
You might include a copy with a sympathy card and say something like, “It might not be the right time right now, but I wanted you to have this for whenever the time is right.”
If you’ve felt awkward in similar situations and have wondered what to say to someone who lost a loved one, perhaps these suggestions below will help. Obviously every situation and every individual is different, so what works for one person or circumstance might not be helpful for another.
But in my own experience with grief, I’ve really appreciated friends who have done the following.
What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved One
1. Ask them how they’re doing
This may seem simple, but don’t assume you know how your friend is feeling, and don’t tell them that you know how they feel.
The truth is, they might not even know how they are feeling – or if they do, those emotions may change completely in the next two hours, or even two minutes.
In my own grief, I’ve been shocked by the vast array of emotions I can experience in a single 12-hour period.
Rather than guessing how your friend may be feeling, do yourselves both a favor, and just ask. However – there is a “but” to insert here. If you don’t have time to listen to your friend’s answer, or if you’re just throwing the question out there in passing . . . rather wait for a better time to ask. It can be a very sensitive issue, and you’d be doing your friend a disservice to ask without bothering to invest in her response.
2. Remember significant dates
Make an effort to write down the dates that would be significant or potentially difficult days for your grieving friend. The anniversary of his/her loved one’s death, the loved one’s birthday, a wedding anniversary if it was a spouse who died, etc.
Their own birthdays and the holidays they celebrate will always hurt, regardless of the number of years that pass. There will always be a gap at the Christmas table and a gaping hole in their hearts.
On those days, send your grieving friend a note, an e-mail, or a text to let them know you’re thinking about them.
They might acknowledge your effort, they might not. It may hurt too much for them to answer the phone on those days – but the fact that you remembered will mean the world to them.
3. Rather than ask what they need, just tell them what you did or plan to do
Instead of asking, “What do you need?” or “How can I help?” just do something helpful to fill a need. Drop off a bag of groceries or a freezer meal and tell them you left it on the porch. Mow their lawn. Shovel their driveway. Take their car for an oil change or fill it up with gas. Depending on each situation, try to anticipate the need and just take care of it without asking first, as your friend may be so deep in grief that they aren’t able to think about what they need or want.
4. Find out whether it’s a “thinking day” or a “talking day”
Not all days will be the same, as mentioned above. On some days, your friend might feel like talking about the loved one they’ve lost. On other days, he or she might prefer to keep quiet about it, and just appreciate your presence.
As my friend Bronwyn wrote in her Letter to a Hurting Friend, “Let me know if it’s a talking day, or an eating-cherries-silently-day.”
As I wrote in my book, Letters to Grief, I have discovered that grief is not a process. It doesn’t necessarily get better with time. It ebbs and flows like the tide, but is always present.
Acknowledge this awareness to your friend, and commit to walking by their side on the long road ahead.
They will be grateful.
FEATURED RESOURCE
Letters to Grief: Finding Healing and Comfort in Your Loss
I pray that these reflections will be a blessing to those who have experienced loss.
Maybe you could gift it to a grieving friend?
Here’s a two-minute video of me reading the first letter in Letters to Grief:
Related Posts:
A Prayer for Comfort for Those Who are Grieving
How to Be a Good Friend During Hard Times
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