I don’t know about you, but I can become paralyzed by fear when I try to think about what to say to someone who is grieving. I’m afraid I’ll say something that will offend them or make them feel worse.

If you’ve felt awkward in similar situations and have wondered what to say to someone who is grieving, perhaps these suggestions below will help. Obviously every situation and every individual is different, so what works for one person or circumstance might not be helpful for another.

But in my own experience with grief, I’ve really appreciated friends who have done the following.

What to Say To Someone Who is Grieving

 

1.  Remember significant dates

Make an effort to write down the dates that would be significant or potentially difficult days for your grieving friend. The anniversary of his/her loved one’s death, the loved one’s birthday, a wedding anniversary if it was a spouse who died, etc.

Their own birthdays and the holidays they celebrate will always hurt, regardless of the number of years that pass. There will always be a gap at the Christmas table and a gaping hole in their hearts.

On those days, send your grieving friend a note, an e-mail, or a text to let them know you’re thinking about them.

They might acknowledge your effort, they might not. It may hurt too much for them to answer the phone on those days – but the fact that you remembered will mean the world to them.

 

2.  Ask them how they’re doing

Don’t assume you know how they are feeling, and don’t tell them that you know how they feel.

The truth is, they might not even know how they are feeling – or if they do, those emotions may change completely in the next two hours, or even two minutes.

In my own grief, I’ve been shocked by the vast array of emotions I can experience in a single 12-hour period.

Rather than guessing how your friend may be feeling, do yourselves both a favor, and just ask. However — there is a ‘but’ to insert here. If you don’t have time to listen to your friend’s answer, or if you’re just throwing the question out there in passing … rather wait for a better time to ask. It can be a very sensitive issue, and you’d be doing your friend a disservice to ask without bothering to invest in her response.

 

3. Find out whether it’s a ‘thinking day’ or a ‘talking day’

Not all days will be the same, as mentioned above.  On some days, your friend might feel like talking about the loved one they’ve lost.  On other days, he or she might prefer to keep quiet about it, and just appreciate your presence.

As my friend Bronwyn wrote in her Letter to a Hurting Friend, “Let me know if it’s a talking day, or an eating-cherries-silently-day.”

As I wrote in my Open Letter to Grief, I have discovered that grief is not a process.  It doesn’t necessarily get better with time.  It ebbs and flows like the tide, but is always present.

Acknowledge this awareness to your friend, and commit to walking by their side on the long road ahead.

They will be grateful.

 

 

Related Posts:

An Open Letter to Grief

How to Be a Good Friend During Hard Times

A Prayer for Comfort for Those Who are Grieving

 

Letters to Grief

 

I wrote a collection of Letters to Grief and bundled them up into this short little e-book, now available on Amazon.

I pray that these reflections will be a blessing to those who have experienced loss.

Maybe you could gift it to your grieving friend?

Order a copy on Amazon Kindle here.

The links in this post are affiliate links, which means I will receive a small commission at no extra cost to you if you choose to make a purchase. Thank you in advance for your support!

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you want to read more about my story of finding hope in the midst of loss, grab a copy of my memoir, A Place to Land: A Story of Longing and Belonging

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A Place to Land

 

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